Enough is enough

It really is the first of October today. Just like that, the year is flying by...

The last few weeks for me have been busy. Incredibly busy. I know I have been burning the candle at both ends, and it's only now that I can take a step back and have a look, that I realise what an impact it is having. Physically and mentally. I'm not sleeping well, not eating well, I'm a horrible person to speak to and spend time with. I don't want to do anything, and then I feel totally fed up for not doing anything. I have completely avoided people, conversation, both online and in the real world, and completely alienated myself from friends and family. And for what?  I wish I could tell you, but I just don't know.

I spend the vast majority of my days gazing into space and pointing out flaws to myself. These can be real or imaginary, it doesn't matter: in my mind, they are very real. I know most are irrational but that doesn't stop them staring back at me, picking away, jumping up and down and demanding attention from my already exhausted mind.     

Flaws can be with me. Or with life. Or with situations. And can be important or irrelevant. Other thoughts are memories of things that have happened...

The trouble, for me, with depression, is that it's all in my head. I know this. To some, that means you can overpower it, think "mind over matter" and tell it where to go. For me, however, it means there is no logical reason for this power taking over and pushing me down. It is easy to say "stop putting things off", "just do something"... but when all you can think of is failure, letting people down, letting yourself down, it is incredibly taxing to actually DO something. You can end up sitting there, with a thumping head, a throat aching for water and a mouth so dry you can't breathe well, because you mentally cant face standing up to go and get a drink.

The trouble for me, with anxiety, is that it keeps my mind constantly active. I'm always thinking "what if...." and the what-ifs are 99% irrational. What if the building catches fire and I can't get out? What if I lose another cat? What if I get that phonecall to say a parent has passed away? What if I get pregnant? What if I don't get pregnant? What if I can't get pregnant? What if that car swerves and hits me? What if I forget something and it's the "last straw"? What if what if what if.... and that's before I even add any comments about work.

The trouble for me, with OCD, is that it keeps these thoughts going. People presume that OCD means you are obsessed with germs and cleaning but it's not necessarily the case. It is to have an obsession with something and a compulsion to focus on that something. It can manifest physically, mentally, or both and it can be a mild habit or a life-controlling routine. It can be one thing, it can be many things.

The trouble for me, with stress, is that I don't notice until it has taken over.

At the moment, I am living with all four. And my lovely husband is living with me.

I have to stop this. I have to stop letting it take over, put myself first. Get back to health properly and take control of my life. I feel so ashamed that I have to declare this once again. Like I said, let myself down to get back to this state again.

But the first stage of fixing a problem is acknowledging its presence. So I hereby acknowledge that I am on a slippery slope and I want to climb back to the top.

For me. For my family. xxx